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A Month To View

PUBLISHED: 11:24 22 July 2011 | UPDATED: 19:45 20 February 2013

ILLUSTRATION: FLO FITZGERALD

ILLUSTRATION: FLO FITZGERALD

There are floaters and flashes, nockynooters and nadgers in <br/><br/>Judi Spiers' world this month...

There are floaters and flashes, nockynooters and nadgers in
Judi Spiers world this month



The eyes have it!


One thing Ive always been exceptionally proud of is my eyesight. Look at that ship on the horizon. What is it? Its the SS Mirage, I reply. You cant read that, can you? Yes, I can read posters the other side of the road, number plates coming round a corner and the opticians chart. Puulease, is that the best youve got?


At least I could up until about 8 years ago. And now? Well, as we know the print in the newspapers and books is getting smaller, isnt it? And so the glasses have gone from 1.0, picked up from any supermarket that sells them, to 2.75 in the blink of a very dry pair of eyes. Then, a few weeks ago, the final indignity. I awoke with an arc of light in my left eye and what appeared to be a tarantula flexing its legs across my eyeball, which got progressively worse.


With tales of detached retinas ringing in my ears, I fled to the emergency room at the RD&E emergency where I let myself down badly trying to read the chart and eventually got to see the man. Yellow drops went in, chin was forced into a cradle, which was only marginally more comfortable than having a mammogram, and the SS spotlights were switched on. Big sighs (from the man) as he gave his verdict. I forced myself to pay attention so that I could remember what was obviously going to be a very complicated Latin name for my affliction. He then uttered the words that hit me like an old wet pollock!
Age-related floaters! Well, youd think theyd at least dress it up a bit. But no, I left staggering as if Id been at an all-night rave, pupils like saucers from the drugs, clutching a bright yellow leaflet entitled Floaters and Flasheswith the assurance that itll calm down. Yes, but will I?



Books

It must be some celestial little joke, that with my eyesight at an all-time low, I have had endless books to read and authors to interview! But with the aid of a new pair of what my husband now calls my Arthur Askey glasses I have managed to read David Walliams childrens book Billionaire Boy, which includes swear words like nockynooter and nadgers! As one who is partial to a good spleen-venting word, I shall call upon that list in the future.


Then there was the latest novel, Bloodline from the woman I call the Ernie Wise of writing, Lynda La Plante. She has invariably just written another play/book before breakfast whilst negotiating for the rites of another series on American television! I have stayed with Lynda at her home in The Hamptons, and had the privilege of observing her writing. Its a good job Im not a psychiatrist shed be whipped off in a padded van! She plays each and every one of her characters saying all of their lines out loud. A great loss to the stage!
Lyndas maiden name by the way is Titchmarsh, which brings me to



Another book

the brilliant Fast Show comedian Simon Days autobiography, Comedy and Error. Simon is the creator of Tommy Cockles, a Music hall legend whose catchphrase is They really were marvelous times.
He relates a story about how in the 80s he appeared as Tommy (much to his regret) on BBC Pebble Mill. Apparently Alan Titchmarsh did not get it and kept turning to the audience and saying, Im completely lost, are you? ruining the joke! Actually I was also there but I got it, so mercifully escaped Simons scathing remarks about empty glove puppets!


Yet another book


Ed Staffords Walking the Amazon. Ed grimaced as he told me how his guide forgot the vital lotions and potions that soothe chaffing in all those important little places! As David Walliams Billionaire Boy might have said, Oodplops!
PS Anyone want to read my copy of Floaters and Flashes?



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